May 10, 2014

50 Excuses Better Than "I Don't Have Time To Read"

1. I can't; I was harpooned in the eye.

2. Sorry, I'm busy reorganizing the dust particles in my attic.

3. No, I'm recording my debut ska studio album.

4. I would love to, but I'm planning on being abducted tonight. Aliens or kidnappers. Whatever.

5. Nope—too busy reinventing a television set with two copper wires and a cantaloupe.

6. Ugh, sorry, I really can't—I'm starring in a reboot of Seinfeld. I play Jerry Seinfeld. It's a show about nothing! (That was good, right?)

7. I was thinking about reading, but I decided I'd prefer trying to develop several superpowers.

8. Nah, I'm busy willing SpongeBob SquarePants into existence.

9. I would, but I just found a Slinky, so I'm booked for three weeks at least.

10., well, I was actually going to reenact the entirety of Britney's "Oops! I Did It Again" tonight.

11. I'm going to be perfecting the one-handed clap today, so I really can't in good conscience.

12. I've actually contracted smallpox. Sorry!

13. I was planning on crying over missing the Mean Girls tenth anniversary tonight.

14. Actually I was going to build a life-sized diorama of the sun.

15. I would, but I'm going hot air-ballooning.

16. Maybe tomorrow? I wanted to try becoming a tree.

17. Sorry, man—I'm actually going to be in outer space.

18. Rain check? Blink-182 released a studio album ten years ago.

19. No, I've had these plans to be cryogenically frozen for, like, a month.

20. But I wanted to snort coupons today.

21. The universe is unfathomable, so I'm taking the day off.

22. Dude, you know I'm trying to train that peregrine falcon.

23. Nah, I have to think of a solution to the riddle "What gets wetter as it dries?"

24. I would, but I DVRed Lion King like five years ago and still haven't gotten around to watching it.

25. No. Learning Mandarin Chinese.

26. But I was gonna brainstorm names for my new chair!

27. These petunias aren't going to water themselves! So what if they're not my petunias?

28. Switch with me? I have to star in a home shopping commercial today, and ughhh.

29. Totally! Riiiight after I singlehandedly construct this man-made ocean.

30. Um, no...sorry, it's just that watermelons seem particularly fascinating right now.

31. I was considering being hit by a winged bicycle.

32. Sorry, dude—I'm on the brink of discovering the mythical pegasus. I knew you'd understand.

33. Do you really think I'll have time to read after marathoning every episode of Jersey Shore?

34. No, I was gonna time travel back to before the printing press was invented.

35. Sure! Wait, you said "breed?"

36. I was actually going to exterminate cockroaches once and for all.

37. But...this documentary on the splendors of paint is just so interesting...

38. I was actually just going to tell you; I was planning on aging five years in the next two days, so can it wait?

39. Well...I was actually gonna consider the physics of doorjambs...

40. Ugh, don't hate me, but I totally wanted to try the vampire thing today.

41. No. I have to find out who exactly that person on the other side of the mirror is. They seem sinister.

42. Lemons sound more fun, though!

43. Nah, don't you just wanna go nightclubbing in Uzbekistan?

44. I was going to trace the history of the Venetian blind, though!

45. Sometimes you just have to construct a thousand paper airplanes. This is one of those times.

46. Lame. Wouldn't you rather try to shrink our body sizes to four times smaller than they are currently?

47. Naaaah. Going tubing in the Arctic.

48. I would love to, but I've had these cardboard-eating plans for quite a while.

49. No. It's not that I don't have time to—I actually don't want to. I don't like stories. I don't like having the power to control how people look, smell, act. I don't have the imagination required to build worlds, to destroy them. I stopped dreaming long ago.

50. Nope—Game of Thrones is on in twenty minutes, dude.

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